This Summer
by catherine.cat33
Summary: Over the summer a lot changed for Clare Edwards. And now she goes back to Degrassi CS. Now she wonders if anyone will notice the differences. But what if the one person she doesn't want to is the one who will help her through her tough times? *Rated T*
1. Mediocre Questions

**AN: Hi Hi! It's Hope :) (you know...i used to be called Cat, but anywhooo) new ff by me**

**ENJOY MY LOVES 3**

**Disclamer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, thank you so much for bringing up that pain :(**

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><p>I know what people think of me when they see me. When they pass me in the halls. They still think "Saint Clare". Even though that was 3 years ago. I'm a junior now. I've changed. Okay, so maybe it's a little soon to say "I've changed" I mean, it's only the first day back. But, I really have changed, and I hope people see that ablout me this year.<p>

This year I have three goals. 1) Avoid Eli Goldsworthy at ALL costs. 2) Avoid Imogen Moreno at all costs. and 3) Avoid Jake Martin at school (seeing as how it will be tough to do so since our parents just got married).

All I'm going to do this year is focus on my school work and hang out with Adam my best guy friend, and Alli my best girl friend. Adam, Alli and I hung out a lot over the summer, and it was really fun, until Adam's family went on vacation to visit they're grandma, and Alli's parents took her to help get Sav settled in school.

"Clare!"

I stop short and turn around, "Alli!" I squeal and run over to her, giving her a big hug. "When did you get back?" I release her and instead link arms with her and continue walking down the halls.

"Last night" she sighs, "and you know my parents, so here I am."

I smile, "I'm glad you are here, who else would I be able to spend the first day of my junior year with?"

"Give me your schedule."

I had her the paper and she looks it over.

"You're still in that stupid advanced English class?" she groans.

"Hey! I happen to like my," I clear my throat and mock her, "stupid advanced English Class."

She rolls her eyes, "We have everything but that, and gym together."

"Oh well, hopefully I have gym with Adam."

An arm wraps around my neck, "Talking about me ladies?"

Alli giggles and rolls her eyes, "You wish Torres."

Adam looks at her, "Nice to see you too, _Alliah._"

She glares at him, "Shut up!"

He sticks his tongue out, "Make me."

I groan and stop in front of the English room, "Sorry to break this little party up but, we have class Adam."

He rolls his eyes one last time at Alli before walking into the room.

"See you in physics Al." I smile and then follow Adam.

"Oh yippie, Mrs. Dawes and advanced English _again."_ Adam groans.

"It won't kill you." I reply taking my seat.

"Really, I doubt that." Adam replies.

Then Mrs. Dawes walks in and goes over the school rules and does that "Welcome back to another year at Degrassi" speech every teacher gives. She stops mid sentence and sighs, "Mr. Goldsworthy, it's only the first day back and you are five minutes late to class."

"Sorry." I hear Eli reply as he takes a seat.

Mrs. Dawes shakes her head and then continues explaining how we'll be partnered up again this year. "And since Elij-Eli and Clare were such a great writing match last year, they will continue to work together this year."

"What, Mrs. Dawes, that's unfair!"

"What's unfair, Ms. Edwards, is that you are telling me that my ruling as a teacher is unfair."

"Sorry..."

She sighs and then explains the assignment.

I turn to face Eli.

Avoid Eli this year? Yeah right...

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><p>After mediocre questions about our likes and dislikes I put down my pencil and look at Eli, "We already know all this information."<p>

He sighs, "It's an assignment Clare...get over it."

I roll my eyes, "Then ask something more detailed other than," I look down at his sheet, "What's your favorite color? You know that already."

He sighs, "Fine... So, what did you do over the summer?"

I think, What did I do?

I hung out with Alli and Adam while they were here, was the maid of honor in my mother's wedding to Glen, successfully avoided Jake for most of the summer, and then...hung...out at Above The Dot.

"Clare..."

I shake my head, "what?"

"What did you do over the summer?"

"Not much, just hung out and adjusted to my new family is all."

He looks me over then pauses and clears his throat, "C-Clare...where's your purity ring...?"

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><p><strong>AN: Well?<strong>

**Review? **

**xoxoxo Hope**


	2. Safe Places

**AN: Hi Hi! It's Hope :) (you know...i used to be called Cat, but anywhooo) new ff by me**

**Welcome to Chapter 2 ^-^**

**Disclamer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, thank you so much for bringing up that pain :(**

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><p>I look up at him, "W-What?"<p>

He clears his throat and looks at me, seriously, "Where's your purity ring?"

I shrug, "Guess I forgot to put it on this morning."

He shakes his head, "No Clare...I know you...you _always_ wear that ring. _Always_."

I roll my eyes, "You don't know me Eli, not one bit."

"Clare, I know everything about you."

I take in a deep breath, "No...not everything."

Before Eli can get another word out, the bell rings and I grab my things and hop right out of my seat heading to physics.

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><p>"Look Clare..."<p>

I groan, "Leave me alone, _Elijah."_

"No," he grabs my arm and turns me to face him, "tell me what's up."

"Eli, it is the end of the school day, therefore, the end of my needed toleration of you. Let go of my arm, and _leave. Me. Alone!_" I rip my arm from his grasp just as the final bell rings. Then I walk to the door.

"Clare...Clare...Clare!" Eli calls after me.

I violently turn around, "What Eli? What point of "Leave me alone!" did you not understand?"

"I know something's up with you."

"You don't know me anymore Eli! I've _changed_ Eli! I'm not the same person I was last year. I'm not the same me I used to be, and you aren't the same you that you were. Please, do me a favor and leave me alone Eli. Let me be. And from now on, only talk to me in English class when I need to tolerate you."

His eyes are downcast now, "As you wish Clare. I'll leave you alone."

I sigh and whisper a thank you before I walk out the school door. I walk across the street to The Dot and walk inside, taking a seat on a counter chair, ordering a cup of hot chocolate. I look around at The Dot, my escape from everything, the small piece of the old me I still have left. I look at the note on the table next to me

"_Party at Above The Dot tonight played by Ricky Sanders. EIGHT PM."_

No...this is the last place I thought I'd be free...

I quickly pay for my hot chocolate and run out of The Dot.

Then I get home and lock my door shut tightly.

Apparently, I'm still not free..

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><p><strong>AN: Well?<strong>

**Review? **

**xoxoxo Hope**


	3. Songs For Girls

**AN: Hi Hi! It's Hope :) (you know...i used to be called Cat, but anywhooo) new ff by me**

**Welcome to Chapter 2 ^-^**

**Disclamer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, thank you so much for bringing up that pain :(**

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><p>This morning I wake up and climb out of my bed slowly. I walk over to the mirror and I look at myself, and noticing the dried tears on my cheeks. I take in a deep breath and sigh to myself, then walk to my closet and get dressed in the school uniform before coming back out to brush my hair. Then I sigh softly and walk out of my room and nearly running into Jake.<p>

"Sorry." I say.

He looks at me, "Clare, are you okay...?"

I nod hastily, "I'm fine...what makes you think I'm not?"

"Just cause...ever since right before summer ended you've been acting...a little...odd."

I roll my eyes, "Gee thanks Jake."

He sighs, "I didn't mean it in a bad way."

I scoff, "Then how did you mean it?"

"I mean that I'm concerned about you."

"Whatever, you don't need to be."

"We're family now, I have a right to be."

"We're a _forced_ family, if you can even call it that. Just stay out of my business Jake." Then I walk down the stairs quickly, grab my bag that was on the floor, and head out the door quickly.

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><p>I go to my locker and start unpacking my things for the school day when I hear footsteps behind me.<p>

"Clare! What happened to you last night? I called you and you never answered or called me back!" Alli sighs as she leans against the locker next to me.

"Sorry! I just ran straight home last night, I had a _ton_ of homework to do and I feel asleep doing it."

She exhales, "Fine, you can make it up to me."

I look at her, "How?"

"Well, you can go with me to Above The Dot tonight. This guy, Ricky Something-Or-Other is gonna be playing there."

I pale, "I-I...I can't..."

"What? Why not? Come on Clare, you're the only way I'll be able to go. Everyone who goes says he's super hot. Come on, please?"

"I...just..." I turn to her and try to hide the pain, "I just...saw a lot of him...er...him a lot, over the summer and trust me, he's not that hot."

"But, Clare, pleeeeeaseeee!"

"Alli! I said no!" I look at her.

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><p>"How on Earth did you convince me to come here?" I ask Alli as we take a seat at a table in Above The Dot.<p>

She smiles, "Cause you love me and want to spend time with me."

I roll my eyes, "Yeah, yeah. Very funny."

She giggles, "I thought so."

I sigh and look at her, then hear the microphone reverberate throughout the room. "You owe me so big..."

"Why's that?" she asks.

I roll my eyes and turn to the stage and shudder softly.

She gasps, "What do you mean, "not that hot"? Clare, that boy is amazing."

I try not to look up at the stage. Not to make a glance towards the stage. Or towards the boy singing and strumming his guitar on top of it. Instead I look down at my hands, not looking anywhere else.

Alli taps me on the shoulder and I jump, I hadn't even known she was next to me.

"What?" I ask softly.

"Let's go up to the front, by the stage, come on, please?" she asks.

I nod swiftly and stand up, following her to the front, my head downcast.

"Clare look, Eli and Adam are over there." Alli says, but I still don't look up and then we stop walking. I glance up and I see him. His brown eyes staring at me, his brown bangs just above his eyebrows.

"This next song is for someone I met over the summer." Ricky says before playing a new song.

I break away from Alli's grasp, apologize softly to her, and then walk out the door, and fly down the staircase, going to walk home.

"Clare! Clare!"

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><p><strong>AN: Well? So, what do you think happened to Clare over the summer?<strong>

**Review? **

**xoxoxo Hope**


	4. Hate

**AN: Hi Hi! It's Hope :) **

**Welcome to Chapter 4, after a little while, it's finally here. **

**Disclamer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, nor will I ever own them, so, don't ask.**

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><p>"Clare! Clare!" his voice echoed and when I heard it I stopped before walking into the street. I hadn't noticed the cars zooming past, and I had been about to walk right into oncoming traffic. I turn around slowly and look at him, but do not meet his eyes. I take in shallow breaths, trying to calm down my breathing and to stop the pounding in my head. He finally gets to me, and looks at me with concern. "What happened back there?"<p>

"N-Nothing...I-I just, forgot I-I have to g-go home."

He looks at me, his brown eyes staring right at me. He chuckles softly and reaches to move a strand of my hair out f my face, "I left in the middle of a set for you."

I glare at him and step back so there was no physical contact between the two of us. "I didn't ask you to do that."

He smirks, "What do you want Clare? Huh? What do you want from me this time around?"

I gasp, "M-Me? I want _nothing_ to do with you."

"Clare, babe, don't lie to me. Tell me what you want and I'll give it to you." He moves closer to me.

"Get it through your thick head Ricky. I. Want. Nothing. From. You."

He puts his hands on my sides and pulls me to him, "You know that's not true. This summer we were pretty...close." He smirks softly.

I try to move, "Let go of me."

"Not until you tell me what you want Clare. The truth."

"I want you to _leave me alone_."

"We both know that's not what you want. What happened to the Clare I knew this summer?"

"The Clare you knew this summer was _destroyed._ She's not coming back, _ever._ And that is _all _your fault Ricky. You took advantage of me. You took me for everything I was. You are an _asshole_ and I hope I never see you again. So here's what I _really_ want, okay? Listen closely. I want you to walk away, to leave here and never come back, to never talk to me or try to talk to me again. Because I _hate_ you."

His smirk starts to fade, "Hate is a strong word Clare."

I remove his hands from my sides, "I hate you Ricky, I never want to see you again. If I do, I'll call the cops. What you did to me this summer..."

He cuts me off, "You wanted that too Clare."

I glare at him, "I did not. I'll call the cops Ricky."

He stares at me, "You wouldn't dare."

"I would. That's how much I _hate_ you. _Everything_ you did changed me. I can't ever be the same way I had been. And I hate _you _for that."

"I'll see you around Clare." then he backs away, hands in his pockets, and walks back to Above The Dot.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm so sorry this is such a short chapter everyone! So sorry!<strong>

**Hopefully the next one will be longer!**

**Review with your thoughts? Please :) **

**xoxoxo Hope**


	5. The Lonely

**AN: Hi Hi! It's Hope :) **

**Welcome to Chapter 5, after a little while, it's finally here. **

**Disclamer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, nor do I own If I Stay  
><strong>

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><p>I run home after he's out of my sight. My lips trembling and my body shaking from that simple handle he'd just had on me. My mind id spinning and I feel unstable. Tears cloud my vision, and I inhale softly when I realize I've made it home in one piece. I open the door slowly and slide in, heading straight up to my room, avoiding the voices of my mother and Glen in the kitchen.<p>

Once I'm in my room I close the door and fall to the floor, leaning against it, closing my eyes, and I cry. I sit there and cry for what feels like a lifetime, but when I turn to the clock it must have only been about ten minutes. I finally stand up and walk across to my bathroom, one that I'm lucky to have all to myself. Once inside I start a shower, turning it all the way hot and then I undress. When I've done that I glance in the mirror, taking in my look. I've lost weight since over the summer. A lot of it. About 30 pounds in a month or so. The first few pounds dropped after Ricky and I...

I can't even think to say it. It wasn't what I had wanted, though that's what he says. He says I led him on that night. But how is No leading him on?

...did whatever we did. Now it's October 29th and it's been nearly two whole months. Staring at my self in the mirror, looking at myself, I feel like I'm no longer myself. I feel like who I am is merely a ghost of who I used to be.

I sigh, ashamed of what I've become, and then turn to walk into the shower. The steam enveloping me into a cozy blanket.

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><p>After my shower I get into pajamas and then I sit down on my bed, trying hopelessly to get back into the book I've been reading, <em>If I Stay<em> by Gayle Forman. I only get up to read one line before my mother knocks on the door.

"Clare, sweetie, can I come in?" her voice calls through the thick wall softly, and I felt if she were to have yelled her voice alone would have been able to break down the wall, but that isn't true.

I put down the book, marking the page I'm on, and go to the door. "Hi mom."

She holds out a plate of cookies, "Hi hun, want some cookies?"

I force a smile, "Sure. I'll take one."

She places one in my hands and then looks at me, "Why are you home so early? I thought you and Alli were going to stay until around 11. It's only 9:45."

"Oh, Alli didn't feel too well so we left early." I lie.

She sighs, "Oh, well I hope she feels better." Then she walks away.

I close the door after I see her retreat down the staircase, and once I'm finally alone I toss the cookie into my garbage can. Then I walk over to my desk and turn on my laptop, logging onto my aim. Automatically a message pops up.

**Eli-Golds49**: _What happened to you back there Clare? You ran out of there like you saw a ghost. And then the guy jumped off the stage and darted after you._

He was right, I had seen a ghost. Ricky was that ghost. He was more than that. He was my own personal monster, hiding in the nooks and cranny's of every place I am, or have been, or will go. Like he's always lurking, waiting for the right moment to show up. And he found it.

**Eli-Golds49: **_Clare? Are you there?_

I take in a deep breath, my fingers relaxing over the keyboard, and then I begin to answer him.

**Clare-E23:** _I'm here..._

**EliGolds-49:**_ What happened earlier tonight? You looked pale and then rushed out. Is everything alright?_

**Clare-E23:**_ Nothing happened Eli. Don't worry about me. It was nothing. Just wanted to get home._

**EliGolds-49**:_ Then why did that...guy run after you?_

**Clare-E23:**_ I, I honestly have no idea. _

**EliGolds-49: **_Clare, is everything alright? You know you can tell me anything right?_

Uh huh...talk to my ex boyfriend about anything...especially what's going on with me. No. Way.

**Clare-E23:**_ Thanks Eli. I'm gonna go to bed...so, goodnight._

**EliGolds-49:** _Night Blue Eyes. _

With that I log off and clid into bed, the line of _If I Stay_ repeating over and over in my head.

_"If I stay. If I live. It's up to me._"

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><p><strong>AN:If I Stay is one of my favorite books in the entire world. It is amazing, and I highly recommend it to any and everyone. That quote was on page 73.<br>**

**Review with your thoughts? Please :) **

**xoxoxo Hope**


	6. Home Part 1

**AN: Hi Hi! It's Hope :) **

**Welcome to Chapter 5, after a little while, it's finally here. **

**Disclamer: I do not own Degrassi or its characters, and the title of this Chapter is "Home" for the Three Days Grace song. Listen to it. Do it.  
><strong>

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><p>I wake up the next morning sweating. My first response is to rip the covers off of me and go into the bathroom. I don't even remember falling asleep last night. It could have eleven pm or maybe sometime early in the morning. All I know is I feel like shit. My head feels like it ways a ton or more, and I feel like I haven't moved in days, like I've just woken up from a coma or something. Not a good thing though. I don't feel alive, or happy, at least not more so than I did yesterday. Frankly, I feel worse than before. My stomach is growling loudly, and I want to scream loud to get the sound out of my head. The sound of an empty stomach is the worst. The feeling of it churning, because that's it's job. But then when it finds nothing to churn it whimpers, knowing something's missing.<p>

I ignore the sound though, close my eyes, count to ten like I taught myself to these past few weeks, and when I blink my eyes open I no longer hear the sound. But I have a major headache. I sigh and open up the medicine cabinet mirror I have on the wall. I grab the bottle of aspirin and take two, dry swallowing them. Hopefully that will make my headache vanish. _I wish I could vanish_.

I walk back into my room and pull on my red polo and my ugly khakis, wishing to God this day could be over even though it's hardly started. I take in a deep breath then release it. Today will be like any other day. Just walk into school. Just act normal. _It's all an act Clare. Keep it up. Don't psych yourself out, you're doing fine. _

Keyword; _doing_. I'm not fine. I'm nowhere near fine. I don't know when I will be fine again, I just know it won't be for a while.

I walk out of my room, then down the stairs, heading for the door. Happy that no one almost rammed into me, or called me in for breakfast.

"Clare, sweetie, is that you?"

_So close._ I sigh and turn around, walking into the kitchen slowly "Yes, it is." I fake a smile to my mom and step-dad and step-brother as they all sit around the table.

"Good Morning." They all say in unison.

_Oh look, they've learned a new trick._ "Morning." I try my best to push away the snide comment about them. They are my family.

"Would you like anything to eat? Jake made scrambled eggs." My mother smiles proudly.

_Why doesn't Jake just make _every _meal. I'm sure you'd be happy then mother. What's for dinner tonight? Chicken._ "No." The one worded answers are all I can muster because my thoughts are taking over. I cannot believe my thoughts, I would never have said anything like that before...

She looks at me softly, "Sweetie, is everything alright? You've hardly eaten with us in the past month. It's like you're chained to your room."

_Like you actually care about me mother._ "I'm fine. Just need to get to school."

"Jake says school's starting late today because of some teacher conference."

_Well isn't Jake just _perfect_?_ "I'm going to the Dot."

"For what?"

_You know...do drugs, hook up with guys.. What do you think it's only like 830! _"Meeting Eli for breakfast." _Did I really just say that..? Fuck._

"O-Oh...didn't you two break up?" My mom asks. I notice Jake eying me.

I sigh, "Yes." _What, can I not be friends with my ex..?_

"Want a ride?" Jake asks.

"Yes! I'm sure she'd love that Jake! Great idea!" My mother smiles.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCK!_ I fake a smile, "Sure. Thanks." Secretly I pull out my phone and send a text to Eli.

**SOS Be at the Dot in four minutes. ~Clare**

Jake leads me out to the truck and I hop in, ignoring the small talk he's trying to make. I just stare out the window and hope that Eli got the text.

**I'm there already Blue. -Eli**

I sigh with relief and nearly run out of the truck when Jake pulls up at The Dot. I find Eli sitting down at the counter. "Thank you."

"Any time Blue, any time at all." He shoots me his signature smirk. I do my best to hide the fact I missed being around him. Even though things are different, some of them can stay the same...right?

"I owe you one." I reply, taking the stool next to him.

"I'll hold you to that one." He pauses, then looks at me, about to say something before Peter comes up to take our orders.

"What do you want Little Edwards?" he I hear my stomach grumble loudly, a roar of sorts that I fear both can hear it. I fear that my stomach will burst right then and there.

I smile, masking the pain, "Just a water."

But even I knew that wasn't _just_ what I needed right then. Even as I said it my head hurt more and I thought to myself _Stupid Aspirin_ _didn't work. _My eyes start to cloud and I blink in fear, tears quickly come to my eyes. While my eyesight fizzes in and out like the snow on a tv without reception, my ears start to hurt. Like a silent screeching pain. Like they're being filled with cotton balls, or marshmallows, or something puffy.

Everything's failing...

_To be continued_

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><p><strong>AN: I know, I know. <em>She put Peter into <em>another_one of her stories?_ Why yes, yes I did. And expect to see Spinner in a couple more chapters after this. ;) #hint **

**If you guys have any old characters you think I could add in, or you'd like to see me add in, tell me and I'd be happy to try to find a way to worm them into the story :) I kind of want to put Marco and Ellie in here somewhere. I'm not sure though, what do you guys think?  
><strong>

**Review s'il vous plait :)  
><strong>

**xoxoxo Hope**


	7. Home Part 2

**Author's Note: Well, hello there. Welcome. Review please thank you :3**

** Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or it's characters.**

Peter sets down the glass in front of me and I put my hands around it. The cool condensation dripping down onto my palm. I take a breath and reach the cup up to my lips, and then I notice something. My hands are shaking. I think that's odd. Why are they shaking? How long have they been shaking? I can't think of an answer so I sigh, glass still to my lips. Hungrily I gulp down the water and imagine its chocolate, or cake, or something—anything else but water. I set down the glass, my hand shaking less now.

The last time I ate, or tried to eat, I failed miserably. It wasn't a matter of I'd eaten something bad—like chocolate for instance. No, I'd taken a handful of carrots. After the first one I could feel my stomach churning, and I felt sick. But, I'd thought it was a fluke, my imagination at the least, and I ate another one. Big mistake. I vomited everything back up. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat. I could feel my stomach yearning for food, for nutrients other than water. But, I couldn't eat. I couldn't stomach food anymore. It was like my body was in reverse, or it wasn't listening to itself.

That was three weeks ago.

Now, I fear more that if I ate I would vomit, and fear of being sent to a doctor's office because of that. So I don't eat. I drink water, and that's the extent of it. I get what I need—what I can handle—from the water. I'm still living. It's not like I'm in danger of dying or anything like that. I'm just…not hungry anymore.

"Blue, are you okay?" Eli's voice is soft, like a blanket, and that thought makes me realize I'm actually cold.

I stutter, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. You just look really pale. Is anything wrong?"

I start to get light headed again, and I feel my sight starting to fade, I can catch merely glimpses of the things around me. Faded light, like in a dark room how everything looks. Except, it's not dark out, it's light and sunny, and we're indoors. "I. Am. Fine."

Eli rolls his eyes, "You don't seem it. Blue, what's going on?"

I stand up in an instant and immediately regret it because of the head rush I get. I stare him—or the figure I think to be him—down. "Nothing is going on Eli. Nothing that I cannot handle myself. Guess what? I'm a big girl. I can in fact take care of myself. I don't need you or anyone else to help me. So why don't you go off on your own and leave me here like everyone else has done. Go. I'll be fine. I can take care of myself."

"Clare…help… But…need….to me… Please…want…you… Just…to… I…pain… Come…sit…talk… Please." Is all I hear because me hearing is fading again.

I back out of the Dot, going towards the door shaking. My entire body is shaking at an uncontrollable rate and I feel out of place. I feel my legs quivering and they're almost jelly-like. I back out of the door, my sight and hearing fading me so much so that I can only hear the steady heartbeat of thud-thud-thudding in my ears. I hear a muffled call, I think it's for me, but I can't tell. I keep moving. I don't stop. I keep going back until I feel the concrete collide with my skin. I feel blood rushing to my hand and my knee. I feel everything. I cannot see, I cannot hear, but I can feel.

I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me, pulling me off the ground. I feel lips brush a kiss against my forehead and those same lips mouthing against my skin a repeated phrase.

'You're going to be okay. It'll all be okay.'

I feel another hand, a new set of hands now, clasp around my right hand. I feel that person's thumb circle my skin. I feel a few tears collide with the cut on my hand from when I fell.

Eli's holding my hands. Crying. Even though I told him to go. Even though I left.

Then I feel nothing…

**Author's Note:** T**hanks for reading. Review please**

**xoxox Hope **


	8. How To Save A Life

**Author's Note: Well, hello there. Welcome. Review please thank you :3**

** Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or it's characters.**

When I open my eyes the first thing I feel is hurt. My eyes are burning in the light of this room, the bright light that makes me realize in an instant I know just where I am. I sit up straight and look around, a bandage is on my hand, the cut must have been worse than I'd thought. Once my eyes get adjusted to the light of the room, I look around. Peter's standing in the corner of the room, arms crossed against his chest. Like the big brother I'd never had. He's staring at me, staring like he's waiting for me to speak. But, his eyes aren't fierce; they're soft, and scared. Hurt. No one else is in the room, and it makes me think of Eli; had he come to the hospital? Had he left? Had he waited long enough for me to wake up? How long had I even been unconscious?

Peter slowly moves from his position and comes to sit down on the edge of my bed. He looks at me, and speaks softly, "So…you passed out."

I look down, feeling completely incapable of finding any words at the moment to explain everything to him. I'd hardly been able to explain it all over to myself in my head. And it was a lot of things to explain, not like there was anything I could leave out. I looked at him with my eyes, my head downcast.

He takes in a deep breath, looking at me with this intense look—between wanting to understand and being hurt and scared by what had happened—then he releases the breath. "Look Clare, the doctor's said it was because you're weak from not eating. Why would you do that, not eating, that's not the Clare I know. It's not like you. I don't know why, but what I do know is that you need to eat. I know it hurts, I know that whatever is making you do this hurts, but you need to eat. I-it will kill you. The anorexia. And no one wants that. We want you to live. We need you to live because life without you isn't…wouldn't be the same. Clare, you're like my little sister, and I can't stop this. I can't control this. I can't control you. But I can tell you; I've had someone close to me go through this before. She got through, she got control. That's what I need from you Clare. You need to, to stop this before it goes any further. No one wants you to be dead. We all want you alive and, and happy. And healthy."

I glance up at him, hot tears burning my eyes. "It's not so simple Peter."

"It, it has to be that simple. Any more of this could kill you Clare. Do you want that? Do you want to be dead?"

"After everything I've been through dying seems better." Peter glances at me, and a hard slap goes across my face. I don't look at him after that moment. Instead I stare down at my hands. My shaking hands. I don't know how long they've been shaking, or if they ever actually stopped.

"Don't say that. Don't say that Clare. Please, don't say that. Ever."

"Well what do you want me to say? That everything is fine? That I'm happy. That I love life, and God, and everything I used to live life for. I can't say those things Peter! I'm not happy. Nothing is right anymore. It's not the same. I'm not going to pretend to be someone who I'm not. I am not myself anymore. I'm not the Clare you knew. The Clare everyone loved. The Clare who deserved to live. I'm not saying that I want to die, but it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to me. I don't eat because it's controllable. Life? It's a mess. It can't be controlled. You can't write out and plan what will happen Peter. When bad things happen what you want is for life to just stop. Depending on how bad they are; you'll try to end your own life. Just ask Darcy."

Peter looks at me for a minute, a long minute. It seems to last forever. His eyes looking into mine. Searching for what I meant. For any sign of what I'm hiding. I try not to say anything more. Try to keep it hidden. Not that I want to. But for his sake. I don't want to burden him. I love him like a brother, but I don't want him to know all my secrets right at this moment.

A nurse knocks on the door and announces my mother's come to see me. Peter moves to stand against the wall and my mother walks in. She seems mad at me. She walks in and sits down on the bed, her eyes never moving from mine.

"It's like you don't care anymore. What is this? Why are you here? What are you doing. Ditching school to sit in a lousy hospital? This is below you Clare. Now get up, we're going home."

"Mom…I…"

"Look, you ruined my home day with Glen because I had to come and get you. Now its time to go home." She sighs, "Why couldn't you be more like Jake?"

"M-More like Jake? More like Jake! Why am I never enough for you mom? Why is that? Why am I always second best? First it was Darcy. Now it's Jake! He's not even blood. He's not even your son. But I am your daughter. How can you compare me to him. If he's so perfect, if everyone is so much more perfect than I am, why don't you just forget about me. Give me up because I will apparently never be enough for you."

"Clare, that's not true, you're my daughter, I love you. I do."

"Really? Well, then you have a funny way of showing it. Because not once in the past year have I heard you say those words to anyone else but Glen and Jake. I'm your daughter. I'm not some child you're taking in. I am your daughter. Your flesh and blood. I am not Jake, who is only related to you by marriage. I am half of you and half of my father. So what I'd love to know is, if you love me, why haven't you said it. Why have you always compared me to Darcy? Why have you always compared me to everyone else. Saying they're better than me. I really needed someone to be there for me. To tell me I was worth it. That I'm loved. But you're too preoccupied with everything else to care about your own daughter. I thought maybe it was that I can't be loved or that I did something wrong. But right now I'm pretty sure that it's you. You're the one who needs to look at your life."

"Clare Diane Edwards, you take that back right now."

"No, because as much as I've thought differently over the years. Now I know you're wrong. Now I know I've been fooling myself into thinking I need your approval for every little thing I do. I can't believe I let myself believe you were right. You're not though. I don't need you. I don't need you to push me down."

"Where will you go then? No one would take a child like you in." She's trying to make it like I'm bluffing. But I'm not. I'll find my own way. I need to get out from under her because the negativity isn't going to help me get better. And, I'm starting to think I want to. At least, I want to get healthy. I mean, Peter's right, and maybe it had taken a slap to the face for me to finally see, but I shouldn't want to die. I shouldn't have said that. But now I'm taking a stand because it's what needs to be done. I guess some would call it my first step to recovery?

"I'd take her in Mrs Edwards…er, sorry. Mrs Martin." Peter says, moving to stand next to my bed.

She glances over him, "Peter Stone. You haven't changed one bit."

"Actually, I have. I've changed a lot. And I'd happily take Clare in. I already love her like a sister. If she wants to go, then I'll take her in. If you let her go, I will take care of her. I'm not a bad kid, as much and you'd like to believe that. I love Clare, and I don't want to see anything happen to her. Please Mrs Martin, if she really wants this, if she really wants to go, let her."

She stares at him for a moment, the looks from me to him. Then she walks out of the room, without another word.

I glance up at Peter, "Thank you. Thank you for standing up for me. Thank you for reminding me there are people who love me out there. That to some people, I actually mean something."

He leans down and kisses my forehead, "Any time kid. Any time."

"So what do you think her leaving means?"

He shrugs and sits down on my bed, putting his arm around me, "No clue. I'm sure we'll find out soon."

**Author's Note:** T**hanks for reading. Review please**

**Hint: Emma next chapter :) **

**xoxox Hope **


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